I laughed for a second. It didn’t sound like my laugh. It sounded cold and distant. I didn’t like it at all. My Aunt’s face stayed exactly the same, though. “That’s not funny” I said, “Where is my mom?” She just repeated herself, “She didn’t wake up.” She does that a lot. But she always eventually wakes up. You’re all confused, she will wake up. She will. She has to. I cupped my hands over my mouth, and to my surprise my face was wet. When did I start crying? And then it hit me, it hit hard. I was screaming now. I didn’t really know who I was screaming at, I was just screaming. And crying. A lot. Then I couldn’t breathe and my Nana was rubbing her hands up and down my back, she was starting to cry too. She told me to take deep breaths because I was too worked up. My whole world was spinning out of control. I laid on my Nana’s chest, in that big green chair, and cried, cried for a very long time.
I felt numb. Completely numb. Jojo gave me a towel and some clean clothes and I took a shower. I sat on the shower floor and cried some more. And then I got into bed with Nana. Papa slept on the couch, his eyes were blood shot, and he looked a billion times older. For the next few days, I didn’t move much from that spot. I laid there and stared at the wall for hours and hours. I barely slept. The next day was kind of a blur but I do remember how terrible it was. Every five minutes, I realized that she was dead, all over again. I literally just relived it over and over and over again.
The morning after, I heard the doorbell ring. My Nana came in and told me I had a guest. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. But then she told me it was Mrs. Beeler, my principal. I finally peeled my eyes off of the wall and looked at her, “are you sure?” I asked. I always kind of thought my principal didn’t like me. I’m not sure why, though. But we sat out on the patio and talked. She told me I could come back to school whenever I was ready. She was so nice about everything, when she left I was so grateful that she had come. I walked her to the door and then I came back into the kitchen realizing that my uncle Gary was there. He was trying to make me eat breakfast but I wasn’t hungry. He made me sit down and eat. He had fixed me a sandwhich and chips and I realized I had no idea when the last time I had eaten was. So I thanked him for making me eat. But then he made me go on a walk with him. This was pushing it too far. I didn’t want to feel sunshine on my face or wind blowing through my hair. I wanted to stay inside my little cave and be miserable. He was telling me about how he lost his dad when he was three and that I should be thankful because I got to have my mom for fourteen years. At the time, I didn’t care. At the time, I wasn’t “thankful” for anything that was happening to me. The entire time I wanted to just lay in the dark, alone, he kept asking me what I wanted to do with my mom’s body, what I wanted to do for the funeral, or if we should have a memorial service. I didn’t even know what to say, I mean hello? My mother is dead. I thought life as I knew it was just over. How could it ever be the same? How could I ever live without my mom? I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. I wanted her to meet my children. And my husband. I wanted her to walk me down the isle at my wedding. I wanted her to see me go off to college. I wanted her to see me turn sixteen. I wanted her to be there on my very first day of High School and go shopping with me for my senior prom dress. Why on Earth was this happening to me? There are people in this world that rape and murder and steal... I didn’t do anything. Why is this happening to me?
After four or five days went by I couldn’t stand it anymore. My family was getting on my nerves. I was getting on my nerves. Laying in bed and staring into space all day and all night was getting on my nerves. I didn’t want to keep realizing my mom was dead over and over again. It was exhausting. So I went back to school. It was way too soon to go back. I regret it so much now. I never healed the way I was supposed to. It was like I broke my knee and then instead of resting it, I went out and ran a marathon and then my knee muscles were all screwed up. I never healed the way I was supposed to heal. My family let me go back though, they didn’t really know what to do, wether to let me go or not, because none of us had ever done this before.
The minute I got in, JJ came up and hugged me. I was so grateful just to everyone’s familiar faces. Everyone was hugging me and telling me that they were sorry. My friends were talking to me like I was super fragile and I’d just fall apart any second. People stared at me like I was some alien from outer space and any second now I was gonna do something super bizarre. But after a while they got over it.
This is where Kylie comes in. Kylie was my rock. She held me together. I spent every single minute of my spare time at her house. It was my escape. A place where I could just let loose and have fun. She was my shoulder to cry on. Literally. I cried and she just listened and hugged me and told me that everything was going to be okay. When I missed my mom, I told her. And she made me feel better. But it hurt so much seeing her fight with her mom. It just stung. I know that’s not her fault because teenagers fight with their parents. But I just wanted her not to take her mom for granted like I took mine for granted. Tomorrow is never promised. People don’t take that saying seriously enough. It’s silly, but don’t hang up the phone without saying I love you. When someone apologizes or wants you to apologize, just do it. Just say you’re sorry. It’s no big deal.
Kylie took me under her wing and put me back on my feet again. My favorite memories from her house were the mopeds. Ohhh the mopeds. Her and sister both had one. Who ever invented those things was a super genius. We could fit the both of us, sometimes we tried to cram three people which was so much fun. I remember one time we were driving to her cousin’s house (they live on the other side of the neighborhood) on the moped and I had to sit on the part where you’re supposed to put your feet. The moped was going like super slow because it was Kylie, Jackie, and me. We were laughing the entire way there. When Simone was with us we could all three sit on the seat because Simone was so tiny. Kylie didn’t really trust me driving though because I didn’t really take caution to the stop signs or how fast we were going over bumps. But the wind in your hair is the best feeling in the world. Actually, anything with your best friends is the best thing in the world.
Did I already mention Jackie some where in the earlier chapters? Kylie introduced me to her. She is so awesome and crazy and fun. The three of us were invincible. I couldn’t love them anymore if I tried.
One night Kylie and I were laying in her bed talking. She had the most incredible view of the bay from her bedroom window and I loved it. I told her how pretty the lights looked on the water every single night. I just loved it. It felt so safe and surreal. I love love loved the talks we had at night, laying in the dark, looking out at the bay. We could talk about absolutely anything. And she told me something that just made my whole life. She said, “You’re really pretty, Katie. Some girls are really pretty, but their personalities aren’t. But you have a great personality which makes you even more beautiful.” I don’t know why that stuck to me. Out of all of the things anyone has ever said to me in my entire life, that was one of the best. I don’t think I’ll ever, ever forget that.
